I’m on my way, with my boys to the passport office, to renew their passports.I have a mortal fear of government offices and government officials.😖

I’m convinced,that I will be rejected,on the basis of anything.

Caste,creed, nationality, sexuality,profession,height,weight,accent,size of eyes,skin colour,choice of clothes,spelling of my name, or the length of my lashes.🙈

And it terrifies me. Terrifies me to think,that no matter what I do,i will fall short.(not just vertically!) and I will be a criminal in their eyes.

To cover up this fear,I adorn an expression of “I am at your mercy and only you can help me attain salvation, my God/Goddess!!”🙏🏻Look.

The initial paperwork happens too smoothly for my belief. Smiling faces,helpful people,efficient working. I am almost shocked.I am told,it’s because half of this office is now privatised,and taken over by Tata. I bless Tata,😇and am ready to go skipping home. 💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻But,I rejoiced too soon.😁

Some more formalities left. I wait patiently,in ques, smiling at every 🙂Tom dick and Hari.

We are summoned by this lady,and  I know,I just know,it’s not going to be easy.😰 I say a small prayer,and am extra sweet and humble. ‘This goddess’can make or break me. I remember,I haven’t ever hurt anyone,intentionally,haven’t stolen or murdered,🤔so I won’t have to pay my karmic debts here. But,I am wrong.😑

She is very pissed off. With her life,her job,her marriage,her mother in law,her 2 sons(maybe),water scarcity,or now the floods,rush in the train,pms,menopause,don’t know what else.

I stand quietly as she goes through the papers.

GODDESS-SO MANY BOOKLETS?? YOU PEOPLE DONT LIVE IN INDIA ONLY,OR,WHAT?

(For the first time,I regret our extensive travels!)🙈

GODDESS- (Barks at my son.) WHAT  ARE SO MANY PASSPORTS?GIVE ONLY YOURS.

I quickly take all the passports off the table,including those,of some strangers standing next to us. And just give my son’s back to her.

GODDESS- WHERE IS PARENTS PASSPORT ?

I hand all the passports back,ours and stranger’s.Strangers run far away,petrified.

GODDESS- WHERE IS MOTHER?

Me-(Raised hand,I almost mutter ‘Present miss.’)

GODDESS- THIS IS YOUR SIGN?

Me- Yes.(I think She doesn’t like my skin colour!!!)

GODDESS-WHERE IS FATHER?

(Oh god! I should never have worn jeans.)

Me- He hasn’t come,😰 (I find the need to explain) He is at work,so he couldn’t come. Actually nobody told us,or even he would have come.But his signature is on all papers.(very proud of Vipuls achievement😄)

GODDESS-I CAN SEE.

 I think it’s my profession she doesn’t like.Am Dying to say ‘Ofcourse you can,you are the great Indian goddess.🙏🏻’ but I shut up.

Goddess looks very minutely,at the fathers signature,on form,and passport. I have my fingers,toes and intestines crossed,praying she likes it.🙏🏻

GODDESS-THIS SIGN IS NOT MATCHING SIGN IN PASSPORT.

Catastrophe!!!😱😱😱 😭😭😭!!Why couldn’t u have,just been illiterate,Vipul,and do a thumb impression instead??🙄(Ok breath!Damage control!!!Switch to Marathi. Quick.Shoulders more drooped,palms open,as if begging.)

Me- Oh it doesn’t,that’s…(I want to say tragic 😭😭😭😭but avoid😷)Sorry.

She shows me the sign. It looks like worms.Oh no,wait. The sign on the form,IS different,from the one in the passport.The last alphabet rises at a 45 degree,acute angle,in the passport,and it’s at 45.7 degrees,in the form. We are doomed!😰

GODDESS-(almost spitting her words at me)THIS SIGN IS NOT CORRECT.

(Its my eyes! I’m sure.I silently curse my Shetty genes.)

Me- What to do madam??!!(you are my saviour look!)

GODDESS-(Orders.)CALL FATHER.

I immideately dial Vipul’s number.

GODDESS-DONT CALL HERE!

I am on my tethers end.

Me- Okay🙄….(I shut my eyes,Eyeballs roll to the nape of my neck and back)So where do I call him.?(😌smile intact,keeping my cool,)

GODDESS- HERE!

I text him,’come here and save me’,but he’s too busy saving the world so can’t come. I am so tempted to unleash this Goddess on him.

Me- Sorry madam,he can’t come today. What should I do now??(Damsel in distress look.)

GODDESS- (Screaming.)DONT ARGUE!!!

That’s it!!!! I SNAP!!!

It’s 9am,I am sleep deprived,low on caffeine,showered thrice,once for myself and twice for the boys,just so we could reach here on time. I have patiently stood in queues,have a locked jaw,cause of fake smiling,and this woman,is barking at me,for no fault of mine. Besides being born,Ofcourse.

Me-(Still smiling through,gritted teeth) Why are you getting so angry at me early in the morning madam!(all in Marathi)🙂

COLOSSAL MISTAKE!!    IRREVERSIBLE DAMAGE!!!!

GODDESS- (stamps the form.) TERMINATED!!!!!!!! FULL FAMILY COME TOMMOROW.

Verdict is passed!!!

(Beat!Beat!Beat!)😳😱😰😡😡😡

I storm out furious.Livid. I am about to curse her,when my grandmothers words come back to me.”Never say anything bad in the day,because according to our scriptures,there is one time in the day,when whatever you say,comes true.😇.

I take a breath,formulate my thought,dilute its intensity.And curse.

ME-I HOPE SHE MISSES HER TRAIN,ON HER WAY BACK HOME TODAY!

My grandmom just saved a life.

I meticulously plan my attire for tommorow. Oiled hair,bata chappal,soda glass chashma,torn sari,mentally challanged expression. And armed,with my character certificate,” The husband.”

Devil incarnate here I come.
.