I completed a month in Spain. A month since I embarked on this adventure.On retrospect I realise I actually hadn’t given it much thought. It all happened on a lark. I applied on a lark, I got selected,then there was that insane frenzy of the visa not coming through and when it did just two days before my course started I decided to leave. There wasn’t much time to think this through. Like my aunt said,no normal person would have chosen this mammoth project and no normal person would have advised me to actually do it. But well it’s pretty well established that I’m not normal so all is good. 

I dived into this without having anyone to receive me at this end,I didn’t have a house,I didn’t know the language nor the means of transport And the course was an unknown venture. I had jumped into unknown waters without knowing or evaluating how I was going to swim to the shore.

It’s easier to do this when you are in your teens or twenties. To go with the flow. Experiment, explore and learn. When you’re older and haven’t done it for years and when you have always had everything taken care of by the office or other people it’s no small feat.

Honestly I am glad I didn’t think this through nor debated about it because had I, i wouldn’t have plunged into this.

 I would’ve ve reasoned with myself that this was an unreasonable and difficult experiment and for my sanity and for the one’s who care for me, I should avoid it. I shouldn’t be so blaze’ and reckless to venture into a new and unknown territory unprepared. But I didnt. I probably would never have been ready for this no matter how much time I gave myself to dwell on it,contemplate it and prepare for it. On hindsight it had to be a free fall without thought and I’m glad I did it.

This past month had been a roller coaster of ups and downs. There were times when I almost gave up. I wanted to pack my bags and come back to the familiarity of my home my country my city and my people. There were moments of extreme loneliness. And I questioned myself as to why was I even here. I cursed myself for having given too much credit to my strength and will power. And I doubted my ability to make it through this. 

But since last week I have finally found my bearings and I’m actually beginning to enjoy my course. I’m working hard and my mind is on an overdrive of Various ideas and plans. I have a busy week ahead which ends with my exhibition. My very first on foreign soils and I am anxious and nervous but I’m looking forward to it. And of course I will see my babies next weekend. 

During the course of this month I have come to realise how We take everything for granted,we all do. Small things that have become a way of life for us. The help we have at home, the security we are blessed with, the familiarity that seems a routine and the house and the life We think as mundane. I realised how much richer is my life because of my family and friends. The company of my mom, her care her concern. Our midnight tea dates. Just small things like hot food ready on my table after a long tiring day. Even the rickshaws. And our language,not just English but Hindi too. (the grocery store below my house and almost all grocery stores are run by Pakistanis and I turn to them for help and they do help probably because we can speak the same language in a foreign land.) The familiarity of known faces back home,even the ones who annoy me and the ones I don’t give much importance too.

 I took for granted and did not give enough credit to all those people and small things which made my life back home,comfortable and secure.

 And i took for granted myself. I was too hard on myself. I believe I am strong and I can withstand anything but here I too was allowed to feel needy and vulnerable. And most of all I took for granted my ability to overcome hurdles and not give up in any situation. I undermined my ability to be brave, hold my head high and swim through to the other side. 

Whether I come out as a winner or no i don’t know but what I do know is that I will come out breathing and that’s what matters.