A huge part of living alone is experiencing everything magnified.Every thought even if fleeting becomes a means of introspection. Every emotion is emphasised. Every thing you have seen or heard or felt over years or at the moment is evaluated. 

Endless conversations with yourself,Debates with no results,arguments,explanations, sometimes conflicting and contradicting followed by convincing Ones self is an every moment affair.  Its a never ending process. No conclusions reached. Just innumerable questions with even more multiple choice answers. Long conversations,deep thinking,evaluating every small thing and exploring various answers minutely Self evaluation, critical analysis, introspection and hypothesis is all a part of an accompaniment of alone time.Non of which end in any conclusions. Sometimes stupid insignificant queries lead to hypothesis of profound levels. Resulting in write ups like this. 

It’s like having a lengthy long distance call with yourself. What you say is heard a beat later(if the connection is bad.) And sometimes what you have heard wasn’t even said and yet understood.(that’s when the connection is so deep.)

Small snippets of memories come back at random times making you wonder in retrospect of its relevance then and perspective now after years of experience. 

What did dad mean when he said what he said when I was six years old.

How I was the outcast in school.

Smell of moms dal.

What do my kids think of me?

Are they embarrassed by their mom?

Why did it take so many years to enjoy my time with mom?

Vipul lounging on the goa beach.

The turquoise blue waters of Mauritius and the trepidation as I took my first dive.

The first time I ever performed on stage and had stage fright.

When did Ron and me become sisters from friends.

The first time I wore a sari at the republic day function in school when I was 14.Did they laugh at me and I didn’t realise?

The summer meets in my colony when I was allowed to be out till late watching various games and matches in the colony. I felt good but wonder what everyone else thought?

How proud my dad feels and re lives his football games through his grandkids.
How similar I am getting to be my mom and how hard I try to be a cool mom.

Unknowingly my ventures into acting.

Choices I made some stupid and immature some the best decisions I took in life.

Where did my love for white start?

When did I first realise lilliums are my favourite flowers and they stain my fingers yellow.

How would it have been had I really planned my life instead of just flowing with it.

Where did I start and where am I heading. And really is that of any consequence at all?

And finally is it this moment that makes me or is it life on the whole?

Questions questions and more questions.

But it’s interesting and a lot of time pass really. Like remembering trivia that may or may not affect my life directly but is definitely registering somewhere deep in my consciousness. 

Things I wil store until I’m at another time,another place and am another person to mull over. 

Until then sorry to bore you. But does this happen to you too?