Today our house was blessed by a pair of little feet. A cute little wobbly butt that crawled on one leg while his other leg was raised at the knee waiting to take leap. He can’t yet walk he’s just one.

I’d forgotten what joy a little baby brings into your life, it changes the complete dynamics of the house.

There was a quilt put on the floor with balloons strewed around him which he tried to grab with his little hands. Perfect ten delicate fingers like a doll’s. And sharp paper thin nails like a grain of half cooked rice. He nodded his head as he called on the balloons, his lustrous curls swayed from side to side framing his Beautiful face. Big wide eyes, soft cheeks which dimple at every half smile,8 sharp but miniature teeth which played hide and seek each time he laughed. (And chewed on my chin) and a bright forehead which had turned red because he kept rubbing it into mine.

So much love babies give even when they’ve met you for the 2nd time. I was lucky we had an instant connection. He gurgled and giggled while I muttered baby talk. .He seemed to understand all of it.( my sons don’t anymore.)My little nephew Sahil filled me and the Home with such joy I’m still smiling

I didn’t realise how much I missed my babies now that they are all grown up into young men. I do still miss their Complete dependence on me and viceversa. They snuggled into me,bit my cheeks, waited for my tickles and timed their giggles as an answer to welcome some more. They trailed behind me even to the loo. And after they had their fill of playing with others they turned back to me with a sharp cry demanding to be held by only me. I miss my little babies and yet each day as I see them grow I’m overwhelmed and awed at how beautiful they are. Not just how they look but their kindness, righteousness, vulnerability and strength. Their sharp wicked humour.Their sense of responsibility sometimes overbearing them with confusion and yet outshining is their clarity. Their shoe size is 10. One is taller than his dad and one is getting there rapidly while I’m the midget of the family. With biceps and abs they barely fit into my arms infact they sqush me wit a tight grip threatening to break my ribs.

A day more with me and they they will be going back to their goal and suddenly the house will b empty. And so will I. I look back at these ten days and I envy their friends for having had more time wit them than me.

It’s been two years since they ve been in Spain and every time the leave it’s the same hollow. Nothing ever prepares me to say bye to my babies.

My son asks me to help him pack his bag. ( he does it on his own so I feel privileged at having been asked.) we remove his bag which was stored out of sight to save us from remembering that they have come and they will leave. I remember the gifts I gave Sahil. A rucksack with a dinosaur,a swimming bag with robots,a lunch bag with monsters and owls and cartoon in all colours possible with his name imprinted on it. I had all these bags for my boys too but now they have black suitcases. No trace of colours or cartoons or childhood. Just big black bags. The colour resembling the gloom that hovers over me when they leave. Their bags are always overweight. I think some of my pain and a large part of me goes with them.

I wish they were little again. When the only weight I carried was of them in my arms. My biggest worry was their diaper change and food and water. When they could easily dose of in my arms listening to made up stories, even if the seat was congested. And the elevation I felt when the snuggled into my neck in complete faith and dependance.

It’ll never come back and even if I could I wouldnt trade it for what they are today.

I have been blessed by their childhood and now their teens. I taught them to tie theirs shoe laces and do their first laundry. I cooked for them and now I guide them on face time as they cook a meal for themselves. Also with their teens has come an unabashed quality of sharing everything with us(thank god and touch wood)their non existent (or so I think)sex lives, their short lived romances, their heartbreaks, their professional and educational fears and abandon at the same time.

Their growth and clarity of life amazes me, their logic and ability to argue stuns me. I couldn’t have thought them all of this. But whatever I did I must have done right because their hearts are in the right place. So what if they are in another continent. But they are still mine forever.